Stuck in-between
This blog is an entry of “Scribbles with The Quaint Space”, a weekly journalling initiative done by The Quaint Space on Substack.
Scribbles with The Quaint Space is an attempt to encourage you to record your thoughts, emotions and memories about various prompts that will be shared with you on a weekly basis through our Substack newsletter. Along with the prompt, Sharanya’s journal entry will be shared as well, so that you could use that as a jump off point, in case you don’t know where to start.
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Lately, I've been occupied with things that are mostly in the making. They occupy that space bang in the middle of existing and not existing. Being in this space is not comfortable or reassuring, especially for someone addicted to the satisfaction of crossing things off a to-do list. I’ve been in this space many times in the past and a certain previous version of myself would have given up, right about now. I would have ridiculed myself for not being able to see it through, leading to serious doubts about my capabilities and eventually to a state of complete numbness. Then comes the expert round of brushing it under the “Rug of things I never want to remember I tried” (which was more of an ever growing pile than a rug).
I’m happy to report that this version of me is only an occasional visitor this time around.
At the fear of sounding esoteric, what changed in me is when I asked myself - but aren't we all bang in the middle of something, irrespective of our age, qualification, or accolades? Aren’t we all looking for the next big thing to do and share with the world, only to feel completely out of it in a matter of a few days or even a few seconds? I’ve spent some time meditating about this, which helped me blur some of the hard drawn lines about the way we gauge our own journey.
What bothers most about being in this liminal space is the lack of validation. Who doesn’t love a reward? A pat on the back, a cheer from a friend, an approval from a boss - very few things beat that feeling. But do the things that we perform only matter when it is appreciated by others?
Being appreciated by others is a slightly wonky idea. Think about it, everyone’s mindset differs, their standards of success vary and more importantly everyone is absolutely engrossed in their own hunt for validation, so much that they do not have the time to pause and encourage others. In such situations, you are not being fair to yourself or others, to bank all your hopes of validation on them. Yes, the thumbs up and clap on the social media platforms are occasionally good enough but even that remains fresh for a few minutes at the most - until someone else does something bigger.
Would this external validation trump the joy of being passionate about where we are at life? Should we discard the things that we do because it doesn’t look stylish under the limelight? It’s probably a question that I may never be able to answer for sure, but I do know through experience that very few things rank up with the kind of validation that I give myself. And trust me, it is also the hardest!
The voice with which most of us speak to ourselves is of extreme criticism. I say this a lot, but it is worth repeating. We do so because we are the only ones who have full access into the darkest alleys of our personality which safekeeps all our worst flaws. Any kind of progress we make is constantly kept in contrast with those flaws which somehow don't match up, leading to extreme critical thinking. The alleys echo the negative beliefs that have been played on repeat throughout our lives, especially in our childhood, which makes the process of appreciation even more difficult. If you’ve seen Inside Out 2, then you can visualise exactly what I mean. This inner turmoil sends us running to the kind words of those around us. But no amount to external validation can appease you as much as the one that comes from within. I know it because I’ve been there.
Weekly journaling with The Quaint Space
